Do I need stress to get me going?

I’m in bed, blogging from my phone.

Even on days when I feel bad, I’ve been waking up better. Today, I woke up on my own at seven thirty. I meant to set my alarm for seven instead of eight but bogged it up.

So, surprisingly mornings are getting easier, and maybe the coffee is more of a crutch than a necessity. But I still felt horribly today, and I’m very melodramatic when I feel the least bit off, so as I’d walk to class, I’d think about how lovely it would be to just lie down on the ground and rest a while. Weird shit like that. Or before my last class there was a moment where before I got out of the car where I just rested my eyes for a few minutes and thought, well maybe I’ll just sleep in my car instead of going to teach. I decided to tell my students that I have a chronic medical condition that is neither life threatening or contagious, but it means some days it takes everything I have to make it to school and that I might be a little snappier than usual. I feel like I had some teacher training that would say never to admit any kind of weakness to students because they’ll respect you less for it. Maybe. But I also felt like it might be information that’s useful to them. And I’m okay with being who I am. I don’t need a super special teaching persona.

After work, I came home and of course wanted to crawl in bed, but the neurotic in me really couldn’t stand to have people come for a visit without cleaning up. I decided I’d do what I could do, even if it was just loading the dishwasher. The neurotic in me carried me from thing to thing, and as I forced myself to move I started to feel better. Maybe the anticipation of getting to see my brother and his family also helped. Maybe I’m crazy, but I feel like I’ve got a special bond with Mia, and even little Emma ran up to me with arms up so I’d pick her up. She’s a cutie and loves to do everything big sister does.

Stress causes a release of cortisol. Maybe the stress of teaching is why I can get through it (but then feel extra wiped out). Maybe the stress of wanting to clean — it really does feel almost perverse to let people in my house when it’s not mostly orderly, not that I have nice stuff, but I like clean floors and kitchen and junk piled neatly in junk designated areas — gave me the cortisol boost I needed. I’m thinking I might stay home while my guests go ice skating and to the zoo so I can rest, but I don’t even care, I’m totally going to Tish’s cupcakes, real food and whole grains be damned.

I’ve gotten suggestions of other things to cut — gluten and fluoride. The fluoride is easy. But I think the gluten thing is hard and maybe not the problem, especially when I can so clearly identify the patterns of stress or big energy expenditures followed by crash. I can eat loads of gluten and feel great. Or eat none and feel terrible. I’m not saying it wouldn’t be good to cut out gluten, and on my path to healthier, real food I may. It’s just that I don’t think that’s my problem right now.

Tomorrow begins my cold turkey withdrawal from caffeine. I think maybe I felt even worse facing the reality that I need to quit caffeine. And maybe that’s why my regularly scheduled Thursday fatigue carried into Friday. I need to go back to the Wilson book and real about emotional connections to adrenal fatigue. Could it be the emotional stress of facing a life without caffeine further stressed my adrenals? Goodness knows I was
nearly in a panic attack and took half a Klonopin to calm down.

Abrupt ending. Good night, dear bloggarie.


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